Dear Mom,
It’s been a stressful few weeks at work. I have been thinking about it today and it occurred to me that you and I never talked much about your job. I think that I would like to have some advice from another working woman. I do remember you once talking about how hard it was to have a good friend move from being a co-worker to a boss and how you missed that friend. If I remember the story correctly there was one particularly bad day in which you pulled her into another room and said “I really need you to be Nancy my friend not Nancy my boss right now,” and how she just listened to you vent and how it helped. I am moving from being a co-worker to a boss right now and the growing pains hurt a bit.
Miss you,
Amy
1-25-12
Dear Mom,
It has been a very very hard week. This week the thing that I miss most about you is the influence that you had on Dad. He changed so much losing you, and in some ways it is like I in fact lost you both. I miss the compassion and diplomacy that you brought to our family. I wish that you were still here to love and care for Kyle. It is so unfair that he missed out on having you as wonderful influence in his life. I try but an inadequate in comparison. I wish that the influences dad has in his life now were as loving and kind as you were. You made him a better person.
Miss you,
Amy
1-22-12
Dear Mom,
I do not know how you did it. Managing the lives of all seven members of our family. It is an impressive feat. I look around my house today and all I have done is clean, cook, and run errands and things are still a complete mess. I am only taking care of three people. You did it with such competency and grace. I remember a few times when you lost it and yelled at us but its funny because looking back now I never think , wow my mom sure could get mean some times. Instead I think, even though she was amazing my mother was human and if she struggled than maybe I can be a parent and even if I’m not perfect it will still be ok.
Miss you,
Amy
1-8-2012
Dear Mom,
I had the family over last night. Hilary and Zeb are in town visiting so we all got together and made Nachos at my place. Grandma came, she misses you so very, very much. You left such a void in this world. Every time I talk to her it is hard because of the pain it causes her and I start to feel this guilt that I do not miss you enough, or do the things for her that you would have done.
Hilary and I dyed our hair on Thursday. It reminded me of how you and Sherry used to perm each other’s hair when we were kids and perms were still cool. I asked Hilary if she remembered that and she laughed and said she remembered how bad they smelled. I asked if she thinks that our kids will someday remember us dying hair and she said she never thought about it. I hope so, it makes me feel connected to you somehow.
Miss you,
Amy
8-17-2011
Dear Mom,
I made BLT’s last week. Just like you used to make, with three slices of toasted bread on each. I even lined them up in rows like you used to when we were kids. I wanted to hold them together with tooth picks and slice them into four triangles like you used to but I didn’t have any tooth picks. It’s funny how just seeing the toast lined up like that brings back memories. Those sandwiches are my comfort food.
Kyle is living with us now and it is so odd to me that he does not have these memories of our childhood. He wanted his sandwich with butter and it made me wonder where that came from. It is not realistic to expect him to remember when he was so young I know but it catches me all the time anyway. I want him to remember things that he can’t possibly remember and it’s not fair but somehow it keeps you alive for me. I also want him to know how much you loved him. It just can’t make that happen. It hurts just to think of. Mom, I always miss you most when I am inadequately trying to fill the void you left. Like when Emily or Hilary is hurting and I just can’t solve all the problems. I know that if you were here you would do it so much better. It is not fair that they should settle for any less. It is not fair that Kyle can not feel how much you love him, I know that is was more than enough to travel the space and time that separates you then from him now.
Miss you,
Amy
7-18-2011
Dear Mom,
It has been miserably hot this past few days. I can’t even sleep at night. It reminds me of that summer we lived in Arizona and how you quit cooking because heating up the stove just made everyone too miserable. I read some letters that you wrote Grandma from that time a few years ago and you said we swam two of three times a day, which makes sense because I don’t remember a whole lot besides being at the pool, being sunburned, and going to the library. I remember that you used to mix vinegar and water in a spray bottle to spray on our sunburns that summer and that it made us all smell like pickles but it felt so good that we didn’t care.
That was they summer that you read us ‘The Little House on the Prairie” and “The BFG” in that white minivan while Jason and Hilary took swimming lessons. One of the things that I look forward to most about someday having kids of my own is reading to them. I love you for doing that. Todd and I took Kyle in this summer and my heart aches to think he didn’t ever get to see that side of you. You left so much good undone in this world. I know that I should focus on the wonderful good you did, the things that made me who I am today, and I don’t want you to think I’m not grateful cuz I am. It just feels so unfair that the others didn’t get as much of you as I did. I’m sad that my children will not know you, that thought is so hard to make peace with. I miss you most when those around me need you and I feel so inadequate to do what you might of done to make us all better humans.
Miss you,
Amy
7-14-2011
Dear Mom,
I was talking to a friend last week about the books his mom used to recommend to him. And it got me thinking about you and reading, and that time that you picked up “A Farewell to Arms” after we watched the movie together because you wanted to read “better” books. Even though our tastes in books were never much the same it made me wonder if we would recommend books to each other now that we are both grown up? And which of the books I read might be the kind I would pass along to you? I bet we would talk about them over lunch, if we ever read each others recommendations that is. I can see us being the kind of mother and daughter who would meet often for lunch, of that much I am sure.
Miss you,
Amy
