Hey I have an Idea!

Let's take about a thousand women,
Line them up outside in the freezing cold on Black Friday.
Wait until the store SHOULD be opening.
Then step outside and lecture them all on how to buy fabric.
(I'm here at 6:00 am with a bunch of crazy ladies, fabric crazy ladies, We know how it works,)
Now arm them all with free scissors.

Maybe it's because I work in a treatment center and have compulsive tendencies when it comes to scissors but it blows my mind that no one got hurt.

How to Make Killer Plum Jam

Start with relatives that have 100 year old plum trees in their backyard.
Or you can do what I did and marry into a family that has 100 year old plum trees.

After picking a ton of purple plums decide instead to hop a fence,
cross the neighbors yard,
and slide down a hill covered in poky, scratchy, evil bushes
while clinging desperately to the wild plum tree

that your husband and father-in-law call a Potawatomi Plum.
(Which really do taste amazing)

By the way, this must be done in shorts and flip flops,
Your favorite, slightly dressy ones that feel less grubby than
the cheap plastic ones you got on sale last summer.

Now, still clinging to that tree, pull off as many plumbs as you can
which you will place in a cheap plastic grocery sack.
This sack will break on you two or three times spilling your plums
irretrievably into the poky, scratchy, evil bushes your are balancing on precariously
Do not get a new methoid of carrying your plums despite this on going failure
frustration is part of the process,
as are the squished plums that are now making the ground beneath you
sticky and dangerously slippery.

When you have 4-5 half filled second hand grocery sacks
Feel free to fall the rest of the way down the hill of poky, scratchy, evil bushes on your butt
plums in hand.

When you finish your legs should look like this.....

Give half of your plums to your in-laws and head home.
Separate out the good plums from the bad and research recipes online.
Decide that the idea of pitting and peeling plums sucks,
dump the plums (3 1/2 pounds) into a pot with 1/2 cup of apple juice, a teaspoon of cinnamon and boil.

Next smash the whole hot mess through a stainer until you have yummy pulp.
Next mix in sugar at a rate of 6 cups of pulpy mess to 8 cups of sugar.
Place the surgery mash back on the stove to boil.
Re-read the recipe on the the back on the sure-jell box and use for favorite curse words to express your feelings that you should have added the sure-jell before the sugar and their is nothing you can do about it.

Throw the sure-jell in any way, what the hell.  You spent way too much time smashing crap through a strainer to throw it all in the trash, worst case scenario you can call whole mess syrup right?

Finish cooking and processing the jam as directed on the package, even though you have never "processed" jam by pouring it into a boiled jar, screwing on the lid, and flipping the whole thing over for 5 minutes.  ( it works by the way, who knew?)

Hope for the best, plan to make waffles.

Check out the stuff the next day.  Be stunned and amazed that the whole thing worked.
Hold it up to the light and admire the color, take pictures and feel like they do not do things jusitice.

Bag the plans to make waffles, you are a jam making rock star!

A Magical Age....

Setting: The kitchen, evening, Aaron is making no bake cookies, Emily is getting Maddie (age 5) and Ashlynn (age 3) ready for bed.  Amy and Todd are bumbling around making a late dinner and cleaning up.

Maddie: Dad what are you doing?

Aaron: Making cookies, if you hurry up and get ready for bed you can have one in the morning.

Maddie: Ahhh man, I want a cookie now.

Aunt Amy: You know if you don't go to bed soon the No-Bake Fairy will come and eat all the no bake cookies and then there wont be any left in the morning.  She is always watching for little girls who don't go to bed when they are suppose to and then she comes to eat their cookies.

Maddie wide eyed and jaw dropped runs down the hallway to where her mother is brushing Ashlynn's teeth. She turns to her mother demanding her vitamin.

Maddie: Hurry up mom, I have to get into bed or the No-Bake Fairy is going to come and eat all the cookies and their won't be any left.  Mom! I NEED MY VITAMIN NOW!  MOOOOOOOOOM!

Emily: Maddie, there is no such thing as a No-Bake Fairy, Aunt Amy is lying to you.  Now let me finish brushing Ashlynn's teeth.

Maddie returns to the kitchen, hands on hips and exasperation on her face.


Maddie: My mom says there is no such thing as a No-Bake Fairy, she says you are LYING!

Aunt Amy: Maddie, who is older Mommy or Aunt Amy?

Maddie: You are.

Aunt Amy: Maybe mommy is too little to remember the No-Bake Fairy.  Maybe Mommy never met her.


Maddie stands, hands still on hips and a confused expression on her face. Not knowing what to do she waits.

Aunt Amy: And maybe, just maybe, Aunt Amy, is a lair who just really really likes to tease, you never know.  Here is your vitamin, now go to bed.

Twilight's like soccer.

They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, 
and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.
-Posted on twitter by someone smarter than me. 

It was during one of these bouts of male posturing that Kristen Stewart's Bella, refusing to choose sides, said: I'm Switzerland. And it hit me. I'd been seeing this story in terms of high school gangs - Sharks and Jets, or wolves and bats or whatever - but there's a much better metaphor: geopolitics.
Aging European aristocracy - Edward being 109 years old and downright Byronic - meets brawny all-American boy, Jacob - having apparently spent most of his 16 years in his tribe's gymnasium. Pasty, anemic Edward loves poetry and sitting in blossom-filled meadows. Virile Jacob likes hikes in the woods and sitting around campfires. I mean, sure, they'll be allies when the Germans - sorry, when the newborns threaten.
But they're basically from different worlds. Even their acting styles match up: Robert Pattinson's an English thespian, giving Edward sad eyes and a smile that looks like indigestion. Taylor Lautner's Jacob is such a chest-thumping Brando-wannabe you half expect him to yell: Bell-llaaaaaaaa.
The film around them has pretty scenery, pretty people, pretty wolves and pretty broad winks at the audience, including a jokey male-bonding scene atop a mountain in a tent. Bella falls asleep between her two hunky boyfriends, and they talk about the pain of love till the sun comes up. All it needs is a herd of sheep outside.
Director David Slade keeps the action brisk and the time-killing attractive. There are better special effects than last time, and Bella gets to be brave when it counts, all of which should be like a freshly opened vein for fans, especially as it results in "Twilight: Eclipse" ending up almost exactly where it started, weddings still to come. Can you wait?
       -Clip from the movie review by Bob Mondello on NPR

So maybe it is because I work in a treatment center but am I the only one who thinks that Twilight is a creepy and glorifies a disturbingly unhealthy relationships for teen girls.  Not only is Edward the controlling boyfriend who makes Bella want leave her family, friends, and any hope of a future behind their relationship is build on lust without common interest.  But he loves her a buys her cars and everything turns out alright in the end so that makes it ok for him to take over and control every aspect of her life because Bella is not capable of making "safe choices" for herself.    Is anyone else worried here?

Bella gives up a healthy relationship with Jacob and ties to her family and a foundation on common interests for Edward whom she literally compares to a drug and sinks into life altering depression every time he abandons her "for her on good."

Then there is the final book, with it's undercurrents of pedophilia.   Ummmmm, don't even know where to begin here except to say "who messed with Stephanie in her childhood?"  Making this into and ok thing just creeps me out.  I worried that everyone else thinks this is a perfectly acceptable definition of eternal love.

I'm just saying.
 -Me

Today I did all the things
I was supposed to.
Kept my commitments

And was not a scatterbrained
apologizing
mess.

It felt so good.

Mornings In My World; a two minute play

Scene: Early morning in an average American kitchen the day after Easter.  Amy and Todd are getting ready to leave for work and school respectively, gathering books and bags, putting on shoes.  Maddie a bright and happy four year old is sitting on the floor moving hard boiled eggs out of their container and happily placing them around the room.

Uncle Todd: To (Maddie) What are you doing?

Maddie: Hiding eggs, Ashlynn are I are playing Easter hunt.

Uncle Todd:  Did you count the eggs before you hid them.

Maddie: No

Aunt Amy: Hey Maddie, what is the difference between something that is hidden and something that is lost?

Maddie: You can find something that is hidden. Things that are lost stay missing.

Todd and Amy exit to the driveway

Aunt Amy: Why do I get the feeling that in three days we will all be looking for stinky eggs?

Uncle Todd: I know exactly what you mean.

Cute baby.....

it's too bad his Aunt made him such an ill fitting sweater.



I swear I followed the pattern
I swear it says size 3-6 months
I swear that is the size of other clothing he wore

I just don't know why it turned out so HUGE!

Let's Compare and Contrast Shall We?

So I dove down to Arizona last week to see my sister.
When one thinks of Arizona one thinks of cacti and colored rock formations.
But this is what the road looked like the morning I left.


And as I pulled into Utah,
where one thinks of the greatest snow on earth
I found this



I could not get over how much snow there was in Flagstaff.
When we are left with small melting tuffs of snow here,
I was shocked to find Hilary's front yard looking like this.



But I was amused by the couple that I saw skiing to the store
in the early light of Superbowl Sunday.

Oh, my pie!

For thanksgiving dinner we ate a whole lot of pie.
I made a pumpkin cheesecake.
Emily made chocolate and blueberry pies.
And Jason made enough pie to feed a homeless shelter.
All in all we had 8 adults at dinner
and 9 pies.

So good, I had to steal it.

So I found this on my cousin's blog,
which is quite cool,
they have a terrific sense on humor.

So in the grand tradition of cutting
and pasting. I have "borrowed" it.

Cus it was the kind of thing that makes you
laugh enough that you simply must
share it with others.

And the three people I sat down
and made listen to me read it
out loud,
were simply
not enough.

found these "random thoughts of 25 to 30 year old's"


-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

-How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
i nstinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

The Bet

So this year I planted a garden.
And since we live in an apartment,
I planted it all in pots.
Some mounted on walls
Some hanging
and some regular.

I planted zucchini,
cuz I'm from Utah
and you can't call it a garden
if you didn't plant zucchini.

Well Todd laughed at me and said
that there is no way it would grow.

And my friend Victoria,
who actually knows a lot about gardens
said it would not grow.

But, Ha, cuz here it is.....



It's too bad I didn't have something good riding on this.

Je ne parle pas francais.

Last week I was in Paris!

While standing in front of the effiel tower
we stopped at a street vendor
I, thinking that I was hot stuff
placed my order in french.
Two crapes please,
One crape with ham for Lynn,
one with chocolet for me.

The man working at the crape stand
then turned to me in perfect English
and asked if I was sure that I wanted
BOTH ham and chocolet on the same crape.

I said no and tried again in French to order.
That is when he replied,
"You know, I do speak English."

Just in case you wondering just how bad my French is.

I drove on the Autobahn today.

How cool am I?

Never been called that before.....

So, I work in treatment, and I have been called a lot of things but this month I aquired two new ones. The first is "The Regulator" which I thought was funny.

The second made me pretty mad at the time but I think is just clever and hilarious now. It was "ankle."

Now I would have thought nothing of it had the kid who called me this not defined it for me. I have been taking a poll and so far found no one who has heard of this so if you have let me know, because finding someone who has is becoming a bit of a hobby for me.

As this is a blog that my family reads I will not define "ankle" for you. It is not, as Todd says "the thing that attaches the foot to the leg." It is however the worst thing I have even been called, and which is the whole point. But if you are interested in the dirtier side of funny, and somthing downright clever, go to urban dictiornary and check it out.

What was she thinking?

I don't know why this struck me as so funny. But it made me laugh so I am sharing. what on earth could the woman who made this then posted it on the internet so it was accessable to the whole world have been thinking? Seriously.

Confession

So I found this book in a park city boutique a few months ago with my sisters and fell in love.

I love the art work.

I love the story.

And……

I Love, Love, Love, that there is a bite taken out of the back cover.

So, the being an adult who is in love with a children’s book is not the part that I am confessing here.

It’s the fact, that for a nano second, I seriously considered having a child just so I would also have a reason to buy this book.

I wonder what Dr. Spock would think about that?